Nourish

I started out 2020 with seeing an acupuncturist as well as a therapist.  Both have rocked my world and brought so much clarity, on so many levels.  My partner has been going to acupuncture for a while and every time he was done I couldn't wait to hear what he thought and what Kym had done/said, fascinated by every detail.  Eventually he nudging me to go.  I didn't know what to go for, I didn't have neck pain or anything flaring up.  Until one day I stood knee deep in panic over facing someone I was at odds with, anxiety sweeping my body.  "Okay, call Kym!  I'm going for anxiety" I told him.

The first appointment I had with her was at 8am on a Monday morning.  My youngest had been up since 5am, mostly screaming, which is a sure way to trigger my anxiety.  I've never been able to handle screaming from my children well.  Prolonged screaming is the surest route to my anxiety and anger flaring up in the quickest way possible.  Needless to say, I walked into her office ten minutes late, papers not filled out and almost immediately started crying.  She was the sweetest, asked me a few questions that I blubbered through and told me to take off my shoes, sign the consent from and get on the table, and would I like the bed warmer on and soothing music?  As I laid there processing my anxiety with her, she calmingly checked my pulse and tongue, validated my feelings and my nerves started to ease.  It felt like therapy, just with a few little needles that didn't even hurt.  I felt myself calm.  Breath deeply.  Settle.

We talked about my mental health and that I've struggled with anxiety since childhood, being put on medicine for it at age 7.  She commented that my liver was depleted, the spleen was also struggling, hence the heavy sighs that seem dramatic to my family and my deep breaths to get air at times.  I'm in pretty decent shape, ok, lets be real, really good shape, but a flight of stairs will knock me out.  I've never understood this about my body.  I can run marathons, teach spin class, but a flight of stairs will have me huffing and puffing, feeling light-headed every time.  The summers in Austin cause me such fatigue I always think something is desperately wrong with me.  Life in general seems to cause me more fatigue than my friends.  I've really noticed this the past few years.  I thought it was just having children, but as my children have gotten older and more manageable, I still can't keep up with my friends, I just feel so exhausted.  She had an answer for this.  As my mental state spirals it deplets my liver, slowing my blood flow, and when I'm depleted and tired, my mental health worsens.  So it's a vicious cycle.  Over and over again, my body affecting my mind, my mind affecting my body.  She told me to take it easy.  Walk instead of run since my anxiety is the equivalent of a workout for my body.  Told me to eat all things with B vitamin as well as giving me a vitamin B probiotic to energize.  A friend suggested a celery juice detox as it is very cleansing to the liver.  Kym also put me on an herbal supplement that, translated, means Free Wanderer (oh yes, please make that me).  Suddenly I felt empowered over my wellbeing.  I've become slightly obsessed with eating things to heal my body, morning rituals of the B probiotic, lemon water, celery juice, and herbal supplements.  I've been feeling myself heal, and that feels incredible.

But more than that, every time I go to see Kym, I seem to get knocked off my feet for a bit.  It seems to make me so tired, I just want to sit around and/or sleep when I get home.  Cleaning, cooking, interacting with people seems to be almost too much.  It's been a deep realization of just how bone tired I am.  Mentally, physically, emotionally, all the things.  I've spent the past two years deep diving into why I do what I do and processing the past, facing some hard realities I've been suppressing for years.  It's been amazing work, very hard emotionally yet so incredibly healing.  But you could say I can be a little manic about it.  Learning that I'm a perfectionist has really brought this to light.  I want to fix myself and I want it all fixed like, yesterday, please and thank you.  Aligning with this feeling of deep rest, there has been constant sightings of the word 'patience' and phrases like, 'go lightly'.  It's been a month of learning to release the grip on relentless reforming.  A month of reading fiction and watching movies.  Of letting go of the idea that I can fix myself right now, that I even need to fix myself right now.  Of running about half the miles I usually would and opting for the sauna or a coffee shop to read.  Of *gasp* taking naps and going to bed early instead of staying up way too late to read books full of information to heal myself.  And it has felt so good for my soul.  Allowing that free wander supplement to guide me into a nap, into not cleaning the house but sitting and playing with or observing the boys, not rushing out of the house in the morning to be productive but to read, dance to the Frozen 2 soundtrack with Foeller, sip my coffee slowly while reading some Rumi.  It has felt like a huge inhale, exhale, repeat. 

A week after my first acupuncture experience I bought a stack of magazines, canvases, some paints and mod podge.  A friend and I had been talking about doing a New Years vision board workshop, discussing how fun it would be to see what arose out of our subconscious of magazine cut outs.  The workshop didn't pan out, but the idea of seeing what came out was appealing.  That afternoon I sat in the fading sunlight clipping and cutting, feeling inspiration surge through me, feeling so much energy looking at editorial photography, getting excited about words that popped out to me.  Later that night (because motherhood, hello, we can't finish a project without interruption ha), I laid my favorite things out on the canvas and began to notice trend.  Most of the pictures were of nature- lots of sunsets, plants, water, birds, flowers.  There was a shelf of books, a couple holding hands, a carefree woman, a pose a strong confident woman would take, a set of beautiful eyes and one word, out of the 20 that I cut out, beckoned me to put it right in the middle.  Nourish.  My soul was calling out for nourishment.  I laughed.  I cried.  At the same time.  It was so beautiful.  Lately I cannot get over how much creating can speak to our conscious from our unconscious.  If we can slow down.  Pay attention.  Create.  It's everywhere.  I am in no way a 'legit' artist, but I've been feeling this thing inside me, pulling me to start playing around with paints, with coloring books, with mod podge, with photography.  Last spring I read The Artisan Soul by Erwin McManus and he talked about how we are all artists, we are all called to create.  Look at children, have you ever seen a child who refuses to color?  We become too self-conscious as we age, so we don't.  But we want to.  I want to.  It's fun.  It connects me to my inner child, who maybe knew more of who I really was than I do now.  And it's a way to connect with my own children.  I now have a five year old who's obsessed with mod podge and it's a pain in the ass to clean off the table, especially in combination with glitter.  Let me tell you.  But it is nourishing.