Meditation

Let's talk spiritual practice.  This was one of things I didn't realize was desperately missing from my Christian religious experience.  I used to always pressure myself to do devotions or have quiet time, reading some scripture and maybe journaling about verses and writing out prayers, which is better than nothing for sure, but lots of time guilt was involved if I failed to do so.  Being very perfectionistic I would become obsessive about making it happen, hence the guilt/shame if I failed.  In October of 2017 I had a somewhat mystical experience while visiting a spiritual healer (I know how whoo-whoo that sounds), but the result of it was the deepest sense of Love I have ever felt.  In my entire life.  And I was desperate not to lose it.  I wanted to cling to that Love for all that I was worth.  For a while scripture reading and journaling helped, but then I was led into more, desired a deeper and deeper connection and sight of Love.

A friend recommended a book Mindful Silence: The Heart of Christian Contemplation by Phlieena Heuertz and I immediately dove in.  Previously I'd read a book on practices, more of the liturgical type of thing and was beginning to get some juice out of that, eyes opening more and more to this Love I had experience and beginning to see that it was all around, literally everywhere I went, in nature, in people, in everything, even and especially myself.  Mindful Silence goes chapter by chapter giving different practices, the ins and outs of them, explaining contemplation in general.  My favorite practice out of that book was the Centering Prayer.  Starting with "Be still and know that I am God", breaking it into breaths, repeating it and breaking it down until you end with simply breathing in and out "be" (google it for a more in-depth explanation).   A challenging one that tends to be my go-to in combating anxiety and learning to let go, is simply sitting and as a thought arises, let it go and coming back to your breath and silence.  It's tough mental work, but there have been a few times I've emerged a truly different person after a sit in that.  As I've kept diving into mediation/contemplation it's become a daily to sit for twenty to twenty five minutes in my closet during naps, usually using a essential oil to help me focus, based on my mood (Release for anxiety hey-o!), and I can actually see progress in my daily life because of this practice.  There truly is something about sitting in silence.  Listening to the things that come up and lots of time ending on things that are completely outside of myself.  Compassion for others, racism, systems, those sorts of things - usually things I end up writing about as soon as my timer app goes off.

One of the best things I've heard Richard Rohr say about this process is getting to 'yes'.  To sit there and work at it until you can say yes.  To the day, to life, to the moment, to yourself.  Yes to the good.  Sometimes I go in so anxious or rage-filled I think it will be impossible.  There are for sure times it doesn't happen.  But the days I can emerge with a yes, my demeanor is totally changed.  There was a sighting of love in that closet.  Where my heart knows it, my mind knows it, my body knows it.  That I am loved and I am good.  That I can continue on in compassion and love.

Tonight I sat down for some silence before bed, as it hadn't happened today and I just yearned for that quiet, that space.  I grabbed a bottle of Cedarwood, meant to help you ground and focus, dabbed it on the back of my neck, and sat down.  I had read a meditation that suggested breath prayer.  Finding a word that describes what you need, combined with your name for God.  In that moment I felt a deep need to be sustained, feeling utterly drained.  My word for God was Mystery.  After breathing a few rounds to settle, I beginning breathing in "Mystery", breathing out "sustain me".  After a while of this I began to sit in silence, and the thought occurred to me, "This.  This is what sustains me".  This time to sit, connect with my heart, connect with the creator.  This deepening of the inner life, this is truly where the zest of life is at.  And wouldn't you believe that at 9:45pm I suddenly had more energy than I had had all day.  I come alive in those moments that I connect with myself - I check in and see what's going on, address it, connect with the Source and am given life.  The connection to that Love that hasn't left me at all, but has grown, deepened and expanded.

I've gone through phases of reading Phyllis Tickle's prayer books, written daily offices, which are an amazing resource.  I've listened to guided meditations, this one by the Liturgist podcast on safety which had me sobbing, as it really unearthed some things in me and began some healing.  I'll sometimes read Rumi or Thomas Merton before going in to sit.  Sometimes I lay in my bed.  Sometimes I do relaxing yoga poses.  I'm learning to let go of perfection in this, to let the moment be whatever it is and use it to connect.  My acupuncturist, who's Buddhist, and I have talked a bit about meditation and she explains it as sitting on a river bank and watching the boats go by, not getting on one and going with it, but letting it (your thoughts) go by.  When we were talking about anxiety she was talking about simple mediations, like when I'm doing dishes.  When I notice my brain start to rant and rave and work itself up, begin to notice the water on my hands, fell the warmth.  Notice the plates as I scrub them, thinking of who ate off them, eventually working into gratitude for the things, the people, the resources I have.  That was the most practical and most beautiful example. Because my mind tends to rant or freak out when it gets the chance.  Also, when sitting at a stoplight or on the toilet (it's a real thing ha), not reaching for the phone, but taking that moment to check in with myself.  See how it's going.  If I'm hungry, anxious, how my body is feeling, what my thoughts are, what needs to be addressed.  Figure out what I need in that moment to carry on with gratitude or compassion or whatever arrises.  

Somehow those little moments, checking in more, learning to be present with my body, heart and mind have helped me see Love and see others much more clearly.  Granted, I still have eons of work to do, but for the first time I actually see a change in myself, in my parenting, from a practice.  It's the work, the focusing, the seeing, the centering.  The purposely putting off distractions (aka Instagram, email, text messages - the entire phone) and just listening.  Listening to what's arising in me, what needs to be addressed, in wisdom from spiritual teachers, learning to listen to Love.  And interestingly enough, been a practice that eastern religions have actually been very helpful in.  Before, I was always terrified of Buddhism or Hindu practices, was always told it was another god and how wrong they were, but I've been seeing wisdom, deep inner life and connection in their practices - actually helping me to connect to God better than I ever had.  Feeling more sustain and anchored than I can ever remember.

**The Insight Timer app has been so helpful with this.  It's a free app with a timer and music or sounds if you choose.  There are guided meditations and even meditations for kids.  It's been a delight.

***Also if you're interested in using oils and what oils help/how to use them, let me know - I'd love to share more as they have been really helpful for me.  Especially when combined with breath work and this practice.