Update: Life and Thoughts in My Head

     When I gave up Instagram, the only social media I use, back in January, I'll be honest, I didn't think it would be for good. I thought it'd be a nice little detox. I couldn't actually see myself not being on social media. I'd been on Instagram since 2011, using Kellen's iPhone to 'share' the app, which was really mostly me posting from his phone. I loved the artistic feel of the app in those days. It wasn't about selfies and influencers, but mostly photographers and artists showing their work. It was inspiring. Then it changed over the years and the reasons I'd gotten off Facebook started to creep into Instagram. It started to get boring, feeling weird about how it felt more about self promotion, triggering me towards anxiety, those kinds of things. I kept thinking I just needed to go through and delete people/products I was following that didn't inspire me, to go back to the reason I was on there in the beginning - art. But I never seemed to find the time to actually do that. After a month away from the app, I didn't want to go back. I'd noticed a drop in anxiety. A better sense of being. A bit more clueless to all the shit going on in the world, and maybe, really, more than okay with that. I will also add that I ended up giving up coffee because of headaches from tiredness due to a general sense of not being able to keep up with life with three kids and the total physicalness of that while trying to teach spin twice a week - the body, am I right? I never thought I'd ever, in a million years, give up coffee, but here I am. 2022, what a year. The year the anxiety dropped and I gave up two things I never thought I would, ha. I still have some form of hope that coffee can reenter the scene at some point...

Light (and plants) and bubbles have been a favorite. The rainbows that show up in them is probably why, 

and I am here for capturing it.

    Back to the reason I stared this post. Since leaving Instagram, I have missed posting to the public. The sense of I/we are not alone, that I get out of sharing things that are swirling in my head and heart. I didn't want to start yet another blog, so thought I'd just hop back on the one I started in 2020. Still using art to figure out life. At the moment, it's just looking more like words, lots and lots of words in written form, and playing around with my Fuji point and shoot camera. Since the subjects of my camera are my children and I do miss sharing ultra cute photos of them, I thought why not combine my words and photos on here. Talk about what's going on in my head and keep the people who miss seeing pictures of my kids (here's looking at you fam), semi-up to date, because I've gotten absolutely awful at texting with the addition of the third child, not that I was that great before three kids. I'm not entirely sure of the consistency in which I'll post, but I know that occasionally I just feel the need to put something out there, so I'll probably just go with that feeling.

Foeller cut all his hair off and Clement started losing teeth. Who are these big dudes.

    In terms of thoughts and synchronicity, culture and social classes has been deep in my brain. In the things I'm reading, in my conversations, in TV shows, articles, in the air basically. First the impact of social classes, of changing classes, up or down. The culture of that class. The ideas, norms and beliefs. What occurs if you happen to change your class, the feelings of inferiority to the wealthier while tandemly, potentially, usually, feeling superior to the lower classes, however subtle or nearly invisible that might be in you. The part that culture plays in that. Culture of our world, of our country, our region, our county, our town, city or suburb. I read a quote somewhere, I honestly can't even remember where, maybe an article about Emily in Paris - because, yes, I finished season extremely fast when I finally got around to it and then needed to deep dive into the ideology alongside the fashion of Camille and Sylvia - but the quote was saying something about how we needed to know, deeply know, our culture. To see why we are doing what we are doing and if we actually align with that. In the nature of deconstruction that has taken place in my life the past few years, culture seems to currently be on the cutting block, again. Knowing my culture, what shapes the people, what pressures and ideas/beliefs/expectations that come from where I am physically at in this world. Deeply knowing my culture while also exploring other cultures and seeing if I actually align with how other cultures might do things. Largely, I don't seem to mesh well with a lot of the American values - the slaving away at a job, skipping lunch and staying late are literally things I refused to do when I was working at a startup, while everyone else did and gave me looks occasionally, like really, you need a lunch break, the full hour? Yes, yes I do. The constant productivity, and keeping up with the Jones, not my MO. Don't get me wrong, I catch myself in that trap all the time, but once I take some breaths I can see what's usually happening and am not here for it. The rushing and busyness has always given me anxiety. The endless optimism and extrovertedness that is valued in this country. Nope. What I'm getting at is that I've been constantly daydreaming of moving abroad. A friend of mine moved her family of five to Spain almost a year ago and watching her has done nothing but assure me that I could absolutely do it. She talks about the teachers at her kids school taking smoke/coffee breaks and reading a book. Yes. Sign me up. It goes much deeper than that, but that was a selling point. Are we moving abroad anytime soon? No. Would I? Absolutely. Hence my obsession with books based in other countries, written by foreign authors. That paragraph really digressed from the original thought, ha, but all that to say, I've been spending much of my free mind time lately thinking about social classes and culture.

Valentine's Day 2022. No gifts, just quesadillas by candle light, carnations from school and epic handmade cards. 

Head over heels in love with my life, and Foeller's semi-creepy drawings.

    I also read an article in Outside Magazine talking about trying to find a work/life balance. How, hard as many Amercians try, it feels impossible. I deeply align with author of Outside's article about wanting to be outside playing in some way if it's a nice day, not sitting at a desk trying to crank out work (or tied to endless errands of keeping the household afloat). Quite honestly, that's probably why I've never meshed well with a full-time gig and why I chose to stay at home. I love the freedom (well semi-freedom as it means toting around children) to toss kids in a stroller/trailer and go for a run or bike ride. That one time I had a full time job and had to run at 5am in the freezing Milwaukee winters because of working all day and it being dark again before I left work - didn't last long, hard pass thanks. Going beyond the ideal of the typical 9-5 and working different hours, or less hours more efficiently to get hours out of doors doing things that bring us life or doing whatever, where ever, that brings you life. Again, that is a bit of a privilege position to argue because usually lower paying, hourly jobs wouldn't allow for that, retail and such. The article talked about how in New Zealand (let's all move to New Zealand, they seem to be doing things really right), they work less hours, shorter days/weeks, so that they have more time to care for their family or spend time in their community. This is huge. That focus on time spent to be involved in community/family. As I'm getting older the idea of caring for parents becomes a bit more real and it is overwhelming to think about. My mom, saint that she is, cared for two of my great grandparents while also caring for five children and working full time. Just thinking about that makes me want to curl in a ball and hide. The labor of that, the very, very small amount of time one has for themselves while caring for all those people and trying to support a family as well, it's insane. Back to culture and a culture that doesn't seem to care much for the aging population. Or the very young population. Or supporting those who care for those populations... We are not set up for taking care of each other in this American lifestyle. How do we even get there? What does that look like? Is it possible with our culturally deep ideals and values? I don't know, again, things swirling around in my head. I think a lot of this also stems from how quarantine brought work into the house. How I can never tell if Kellen is working or texting friends. How work has, quite honestly, taken over moments like walks, park hangs and even weekend chill time. Because the juggling this pandemic has required of people. Being home all the time, parenting, trying to work full time, its all got enmeshed and work bleeds into time that was normally off limits to work (well kind of, we do live in America so that's not really a thing, but if we were in France... illegal to work on the weekend, ok hell yes). It seems like every time I get annoyed at Kellen for being on his phone, he's actually trying to put out some work emergency. It's just gotten much harder to set boundaries when everything seems to be happening within the walls of our house. It's fairly bizarre. Another thing in my brain trying to work itself to a solution.

We took a little day trip to Lockheart, Tx to see what all the hubbub is about. Mostly it just deeply reminds me of my small town, hometown in Kansas but with cool art galleries, a vibey coffee shop and a ridiculously amazing historic library that we didn't actually get to go into because it was Presidents Day. It was also just great to change pace, slow down, have some space, be the only people at a park on a gorgeous day for a change.

    And in family news, Zora is basically running. She sees something she wants, pulls her shoulders up and takes off, not unlike a linebacker. It's adorable and exhausting because she's so quick.  Foeller cut his hair and looks so much more like Clement, and yes, I had some feels about him cutting his hair, but he was excited about it so who can stand in the way of that. Clement's teacher suggested that he should be in gifted, but who's the mom who totally missed that email about testing? Yup, that's me because email has always been my least favorite thing ever. Then she's talking about how he'll need that on his transcript if he wants to get into a Magnet school and I'm like, it's freaking first grade. I know it's the world we're in right now (but why, does it really have to be that way?), but don't get me started on the cut-throat competitiveness I can't stand in this city, in this country, in this world. Best soccer teams, best schools. OMG. Can we please move into less exclusive things? Into more abundance for all? I don't know why our youth has so much anxiety and stress... I'm sure there's educational research around all that and obviously I want the best for my kid, but I also don't want to send him down the tube of stressed out middle and high schoolers just trying to keep up and working their little asses off while missing out on on that season of life bent over books and/or living at practices. I don't want to ingrain striving into his little mind and body while everything in me screams to move in the opposite direction - a direction of care of others, empathy, coming together not seperating. I want the whole package for my kids, is that even possible as everything becomes so specialized and cut throat? We preach balance and wholeness but how is it actually playing out in people's lives? I am truly, deeply curious and open to hear if you know more on this subject. Because I really want that balance and wholeness for my kids, myself. I also know that growing up in a very small town, the pressures of the city are a whole other beast. Maybe it's always been like this, but it just feels light years away from my small town childhood/high school experience due, most in part,to just the sheer number of people and talent that comes with a larger pool of a city. Aside from that rabbit hole, I am really loving his deep curiosity in science and history. We've been doing reflection cards at dinner sometimes and one question was, "do you find yourself looking to the future or the past more?" and Clement quickly and assuredly answered, "the past". I was very impressed with his self knowledge, as he does spend quite a lot of his time learning history of things and memorizing dinosaur facts, lost in his head. And refusing to play soccer on a team, although we might have found a way to convince him. So glad its basically trendy to be a nerd now as opposed to when I was a kid, ha. Meanwhile, Foeller is a social butterfly, lego master and not that much into nerding out. I love seeing how they are growing and who they are. It might be my favorite.

Mini photo shoot one morning on a late start because of ice. Since Foeller had extra time to wake up and not rush to school as soon as he woke up, he was in a good mood and super cuddly with Zora. Then Clement needed in and I just couldn't handle the goodness. The last picture of Zora, just because. Look at heeerrrrrrr.

    Also, I feel like this post should maybe be titled Ramblings of a mom up past her bed who's maybe introverted to hard and not had a proper conversation with a friend lately, ha. But that's also just been this season of life. The only real chunk of time to write is at night and I introvert because I cannot leave my house after 7:30 due to exhaustion and the two nap trap during the day. And because I love being an introvert and the pandemic really helped me embrace that and quite honestly, realize I need more of it than I was allowing myself before. But maybe that's all of us to some extent?