Spring Feels

     Apparently, it happens once a month, around the same time of the month, I get the itch to photo dump and write about things on my mind. Right now spring is in full force, wildflowers blooming everywhere, there's a nice lush, green color to literally everything (or maybe that's just the pollen haze?), many of the days are overcast and thus invite me to draw inward and get all reflective. That time of year when I'm on a  run, I stop at least four times to take pictures of the flowers, the trees, try to capture a butterfly, or just run with it beside for a few paces. When I had instagram there would inevitably be a photo dump daily of the flora and fauna. I do miss it for that sometimes, just that feeling of, look world at this beauty that's all around me right now! I think in general, spring in Austin is my favorite. Spring might actually be my favorite season now because I don't have to wait until June for flowers down south and it's just so much life. Life springing up all around. My plants are all growing more leaves. Everything is in bloom, beginning again or growing into more. It's that little bit in nature that gives you hope for your own life. Right, I can begin again. I can keep growing. A dear friend of mine is Persian and was explain Persian New Year to me, which was in March. It's all about new life and growth. They were new outfits, celebrate newness. Just a reminder that life is a continuous cycle of death and rebirth. Out of the painful, cold winter, look, I'm new, you're new, we're inspired and turning into bigger, better people, putting behind the things that don't work for us, finding new ways of being. I love it. And the trees. The trees will never fail to inspire me watching them burst back into life. Austin can be a bit of a jungle of green sometimes. Just so much wild growth. My favorite trees are the ones that have leaves trying to grow on literally every inch of them. The trunk, the branches, all of it, covered in ivy green. Can't handle it, it's so good.

    I was also realizing that much of what I posted on instagram was the things I found beautiful. Like my own little reminder of what was so good in my life. Quite honestly, sometimes I spent more time looking at my own stories and feed simply because it reminded me how great my humans were, how cute and fun the little yelling people can be. Reminded me I read good books, I get coffee dates with myself and friends, there's beauty all around me in this city. I think it's actually something I need to keep doing. When I initially left Instagram I kind of quit taking pictures, which for a while felt really good. To have that detox, to use my point and shoot camera. Then life took over and I just quit photographing anything. Then. Then Zora tossed my phone and shattered the screen and, being as frugal as I could, I held off on getting a new phone. Which was working fine until I went for a run, forgot my running belt and shoved my phone in the back of my bra (I abhor running with a phone but, another down side of tech, the Tesla will not lock if I don't have my phone with me - I mean I could probably outsmart that system but that feels like too much work because again, not a fan of tech. Why my husband is so good at and tech loving is beside me, haha). If you know me, you know I sweat a ridiculous amount of sweat and that sweat on a humid 90 degree day seeped into the cracks in my phone. By the end of the run when I pulled my phone out to unlock the said Tesla, my phone was freaking out and I couldn't get into the car for a good twenty minutes while it tired to cool down. Again, ask me how much I love tech. I think Kellen got a ranting text - when I finally could send texts later- around the lines of "damn f*cking tesla and technology". Annnyyyyyway. I got a new phone and the camera is insane. So I've been taking more pictures. That was a fun story about how I've started photographing life again, ha. But there's something about it that's not even about taking photos of what I'm doing but more of an almost mediation of noticing what's beautiful to me, in my life, in the moment. So a few photos of things I've been enjoying, that seem to be just mine, in the daily hustle that is my life, mom of three, very part time spin instructor, full time scream tamer and kiss giver. There's something about the things that are just mine, only mine, that feel very sacred right now, in this process of trying to get back to myself. Who I am without the titles of wife and mom, but simply Julie on my own. This always happens after babies and as I start to separate from the baby a bit, relishing in myself that I lost during pregnancy and the first year of nonstop attachment.

 (Time to journal with a matcha is literal heaven for me these days and this outdoor alley lined with flower vines has been empty every time I've been to Spokesman, which is a total rarity in Austin these days and it feels absolutely glorious. New favorite.)

    (I picked up a cool looking cookbook from the library that happens to be utterly plant based and its been weirdly fun trying new recipes and reading them out of a book. Also very here for the consistency that pancakes made with tapioca flour give. This book is Eat Well, Be Well and it's been a whole family affair deciding what we like and what we don't. Fun.)

                              (This book! And these mornings they actually let me read while their sister naps, WHAT!?)

 

(I started trail running on Saturdays, forcing myself to try new trails and then new coffee shops and it's been insanely life giving. Especially being on the trail for an hour, watching the seasons change and come to life, and again, less people and noise.)

       I think a big thing in the past few months has been expanding, literally, physically and figuratively. During the pandemic, especially when pregnant and then with a newborn, I really didn't leave a two mile radius. I felt trapped to home, by body wasn't able to run the trails like it used to (or even walk really, that girl did a number on my body). I didn't realize how confined I felt until I started running my old routes. Even the Shoal Creek Trail this past Saturday, it's a paved trail through downtown, up north along the Shoal Creek and while not secluded or remote, it is still absolutely gorgeous. I'd forgotten how much I loved running it. Getting out to parts of the city I haven't been since the beginning of 2020 feels a bit surreal. Like oh right, I totally forgot this part of my life existed before all this. It's actually been very grounding to do the things I did before, get back into the routine of a longer Saturday run, finding new coffee places, sitting and journaling and remember what I used to love. This is me expanding and growing and beginning again like the Earth, we're all connected right? And again, teaching my kids this is always full force in spring, "Don't kill the lady bug! Don't pick the flower! The bees need the nectar more than mommy needs a beautiful flower, but thank you so much sweet boy. We're all connected!". Speaking of the kids, they've been so fun lately. Like extra fun. Zora has got some per-son-ALITY. She's sassy, she funny, she's a bit nonstop and we all love chasing her around and around the coffee tables and giving into her incessant pleas for the swing and bubbles. I've been missing getting time with just the boys lately, so on their Easter break I took them Friday and had "super fun Friday" afternoon with them (also an attempt to make it through the afternoon without a screen while keeping Zora asleep. Chic-Fil-A, the library (their choice, not mine surprisingly) and a birthday party. The dudes are just so fun. They're getting so big. We had conversations about what a nonprofit is (which might have led to me going on a tangent about the grossness of capitalism to glazed eyes), as men - "I don't think they're homeless mom, it looks like they're working together" - were collecting money at a stoplight for a nonprofit recovery center in Austin. We have a family member currently in rehab and addiction has always been a big topic in our family. Clement wanted to give them all his money to help them live better, freer lives and it just stabbed my heart. How getting out of the minivan and getting closer in a car can open up space for more conversations. Usually I'm yelling "What? What? What did you say?" to Clement in the back while he yells "What? What? What did you say?" back to me. Foeller is starting to think a bit more critically as well. This is the stage I'm really into. Convos with my kids. And jokes and just the ease of moving around, in and out of cars, into places. They keep up. They know the drill, they (mostly) listen. I don't have to carry anyone. SO EASY. Haha. So without further adieu, for the family and those who are interested, children photos! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

    (The ratio of Zora to the boys in photos is clearly off, but in my defense, Zora could care less if I take her photo while the boys are mostly not here for it at all anymore. Which I get. And while I was sitting on this hillside of Bluebonnets with a sick crabby baby, the boys were climbing some soccer goals. Literally on top of them, very far away while I just crossed my fingers they didn't fall and break their necks because I was too tired to get up and sprint that far. Good news, they were fine, I think it's part of that new stage we're in. They climb everything.) 

 

 

(We went to the San Antonio Botanical Garden during spring break and it was absolutely gorgeous. These pictures don't even begin to capture remotely - there was the most ginormous fig tree I've ever seen and I almost cried.  There's also a huge area dedicated to kids, a place to picnic, play, explore, put on performances and splash in water. We didn't even make it through 1/4 of the Garden because we spent two hours just in the kids area and the front. I almost bought a membership when we left because I was sure I'd drive down once a month to go. Absolutely unrealistic but I was in love, it's magical.)

       One thing has become clear the last few months, as we've opened back up, travel is back. I'm surprisingly struggling with this. I desperately want to go see places and explore and remember how big the world is outside of me and my little bubble, but good lord it's so exhausting. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we still just had the boys, babies and travel are always an interesting mix, especially babies moving into toddlerhood and won't. stop. moving. And then there's also the part where travel opens back up for Kellen for work, where I become a single mom for a handful of days. Pre-pandemic I was starting to bottom out. We'd be traveling a ton on top of Kellen being gone for work often. Y'all, I'm slowly learning my nervous system cannot take this. All the lists and chores and prep it takes to get off the ground, literally, in an airplane, is insane. This weekend I'm leaving the baby for the first time and while I'm super excited for a break, it's also breaking my heart. So on top of packing all her baby gear and snacks and making her daily lists, I'm having anxiety about leaving my baby. A few weeks ago Kellen had a work conference spanning a full four days. He was in town but got home super late and left early in the morning. I completely forgot how anxious I get when single parenting. Especially on the weekend when the boys don't have school. Trying to stay on top of everyone and their needs feels utterly insane. Keeping up with meals and all the activities we now have going on, plus we had a nice stomach bug going around while he was gone and I'm one of those people who have a hard time eating when I get stressed. My stomach just becomes a ball of knots and I feel sick. Which can be confusing when a stomach bug is ravaging your house. Between one kid throwing up multiple times night and then the baby waking up as well, I was a mess by day eight. Yes, day eight, because Kellen came home and promptly caught the bug as well. Can we also talk about the marvel that is the mother never getting sick while everyone else does? I tried to explain this to Kellen once, like, there's literally no space for me to get sick. I cannot get sick. If I go down the entire house just combusts. And really, who will take care of me? We'll all be crawling around in our vomit, the house will need hosed down when we can finally walk again. So no, mom cannot get sick because that sounds atrocious. Needless to say, I'm hesitant about travel. I feel the stress and anxiety creeping in, I see my days leading up to it just flying by, throwing off my routine in the name of packing and picking up items from the store and making lists and packing some more. I'm a deep lover of travel but I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it? It's that thing of, okay I saw how chill life could be, how healthy my marriage could function, how much more quality interaction the family had in the pandemic, I'm super hesitant to add in anything that throws all that off. I miss a weekend just hanging at home, maybe taking a hike, no plans. While at the same time I see the boys thriving hanging out with their friends more, remembering how to be a friend and be social. Kellen and I both really, truly need a break from the kids, as we haven't left all of them for more than three hours since Zora has been born. I don't know what to do about that. But I do know that two days in Miami had better be insanely restful, I'm talking parking my ass poolside with a book and snacks for hours, or else I'm never leaving again. And real talk, we're going because Kellen has to work and I think he knew better than to not offer for me to come too, ha. This life y'all, getting back into it has been a bit bumpy, but in a good way. What am I keeping, what am I letting go?